asahi is just a babby
One maladaptive coping mechanism that turns very toxic when you’re not defending against abuse is to read any uncomfortable situation as a deliberate personal attack, and sometimes extrapolate one incident into a whole pattern of malicious intent.
Examples:
- “Hey, I have a headache, could you please lower your voice a little?”
- “FINE I guess I just won’t say anything at all!” - “Hey thanks for inviting me, but I’m not feeling well, so I’m sorry but I can’t make it. Maybe (x day) instead?”
- “Sorry for asking! I guess I’m just too needy for you!” - (Someone forgets to call you back.)
- “Yeah I don’t think we’re friends anymore, she acts like she hates me.” - “Hey, what you just said about me was literally not true. Why did you say that?”
- “Right, I’m just a piece of shit who should never talk at all I guess!” - “I don’t really feel like sex tonight.”
- “Sorry I’m so repulsive to you!” - “You really hurt my feelings. Why did you do that?”
- ”Go ahead and just break up with me, I know you’ve been wanting to.”
This kind of response escalates an interaction from a two-way conversation about a specific problem into a fight about your own self-worth. Instead of responding to what’s actually happening or trying to figure out whether an attack was intended, this response immediately changes the conversation into a defensive argument where the only relevant question is if you’re an okay person that people care about.
Like I get feeling this
kind of reaction, I get having a knee-jerk response of fear and shame
and self-loathing. Sometimes when you’re feeling vulnerable it is very,
very difficult not to read super far into anything negative. Sometimes
it just reflects off all your internal fears and amplifies inside of you
until a polite “no” feels like everyone you’ve ever liked is telling
you they hate you.
But it is possible, with some work, to
separate your feelings from your actual knowledge of the situation. It’s
possible to feel one thing in your heart and still recognize with your
mind that the reality is different. You can learn to notice the
difference between someone actually attacking you and something just
feeling like an attack because you’re extra vulnerable.
You can also learn not to react based solely on your feelings. You can learn to take another person’s actual words and actions into account and respond based on what you think - not just feel - their intent actually was. That work is as necessary as it is difficult.
People need to be able to tell
you things that aren’t overwhelmingly positive without you making them
feel guilty for saying anything and treating their concerns as an
attack.
Otherwise, you wind up in a position where they can’t be honest with you. They can’t say no to you, can’t tell you when something you do hurts or scares them, can’t point out worrying things as
friends do to take care of each other, can’t bring up their own needs without the conversation devolving into comforting you again.
This habit interacts especially badly with
the way many other trauma survivors are terrified of upsetting anyone –
when your reaction to them bringing up problems or saying no is consistently disproportionate, they may
find it easier to just do what you want even against their own will.
It is possible to deal with those awful feelings and get the comfort you need without resorting to lashing out when you feel bad. It’s okay to be honest about the fact your emotions don’t always line up with reality so people know what you’re going through. It’s okay to just ask for the emotional support you need or for confirmation that they mean what they say.
You may even find that when you make a continuous effort not to treat these uncomfortable experiences as crises, they deescalate and you wind up feeling more secure each time.
Look, this coping mechanism, like many forms of manipulation, is a useful survival tool in the context of an abusive relationship where you really are being attacked insidiously, and where you can’t just ask for comfort and expect to get it. But if you are no longer in that kind of situation, it’s time to reevaluate the usefulness/danger ratio and figure out what other strategies might be better for you and the people you love.
When you do decide that the other person probably isn’t trying to attack you, try responding to the words they’re saying first, and then asking for reassurance or clarifying meaning.
For example:
- “Hey thanks for inviting me, but I’m not feeling well, so I’m sorry but I can’t make it. Maybe (x day) instead?”
- “I’d love to get together X day. But can I talk to you about something? … We haven’t seen much of each other lately and I’m starting to worry it’s because of something I said or did. Is there anything you want to talk about or straighten out?”
If it turns out they actually DON’T want to be around you, you can still cancel, but this way you can find out more before doing something potentially destructive. - “Hey, what you just said about me was literally not true. Why did you say that?”
- “I (was trying to impress them/was trying to be funny and it backfired/thought that was true/was angry at you and fucked up/said it on impulse, etc, etc.) I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll tell them it wasn’t true and I won’t do it again.“ (If you didn’t know: “What actually was the truth about that?”) or (“Can we talk about this thing I’m angry about?” etc.)
Most of the time people want a short explanation about why you did something that hurt them, a clear understanding that it was wrong, and a promise not to do it again – not self-flagellation. You might feel really guilty and defensive, but try to float over those feelings and respond like this, and you’ll likely find that your apologies smooth things over instead of making things worse.
If you jump to “you hate me because I’m terrible” they get more frustrated because they don’t get an apology and now they feel obligated to comfort you and make sure you know your response is disproportionate – and you end up wallowing in shame, so this response makes EVERYONE feel worse. - “I don’t really feel like sex tonight.”
- “That’s alright. Would it be okay to cuddle or watch TV together or something? I want to feel close to you.”
or “That’s alright.” and then later, when you aren’t asking for sex: “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about our sex life. Sometimes I worry that you don’t feel attracted to me. Can we talk about that?”
or even “Is it okay to ask for a quick reassurance that you still find me attractive when I’m feeling insecure? I won’t try to turn it into sex or anything, it’s just to help my insecurity.”
You can also compile some screenshots or other reminders that your partner finds you attractive and go look through them when you’re feeling insecure.
This is one time when it’s really, really important to address their refusal and your feelings about it separately so you don’t end up making the other person feel pressured or coerced into sexual interactions they aren’t willingly consenting to. Make your acceptance of their ‘no’ and the end of your request for sex abundantly clear before you do any kind of processing.
Your top priority in this situation has to be making sure you’re not going to end up raping someone - if you aren’t capable of prioritizing that right now, you should not be trying to have any kind of sex. - “You really hurt my feelings. Why did you do that?”
- First address the issue they’re talking about, then talk about how this is going to impact your relationship. Don’t jump to assume they can’t love you anymore now that you hurt their feelings – the act that they want to talk things through with you is a GOOD sign, a sign they want to see if the two of you can work together to solve this issue and get past it.
It will probably take a few tries and some sorting through
miscommunication to figure out how to talk to each other about things
like this, but if you’re both working at it, you’ll likely find that
learning how to talk each other through problems makes your relationship
stronger than having no problems at all.
To be in a healthy
relationship means having a teammate, someone on your side, whose side
you’re on, and you have to be able to work together to learn how to effectively support each other.
What is something about lesbian sex you wish someone had told you?
- Your hand/wrist will start cramping, and it will hurt like a bitch. You just gotta push through (no pun intended)
- It doesn't matter how closely they shave. You will end up with a little "mustache" of redness on your upper lip after going down on your girl.
- Just because you're a lesbian doesn't mean you don't need lube.
- Jaw cramps are a thing
- Don't be afraid to breathe during oral sex.
- Just because you have the same body parts doesn't mean they like the same things. Everyone is different. Don't pretend you know someone when you don't.
- YOU CAN STILL SPREAD STDs EVEN WITH YOUR FINGERS.
- Cut your nails.
- Sex isn't only about penetration.
- If you're really self-conscious about making a mess, try putting a few towels (or six) down first.
- Neovaginas are awesome.
- Virginity is a made-up concept.
- Yeast infections are super common with new partners so don’t be afraid to go to urgent care.
- Don't fake moans or fake an orgasm. They'll think you like what they're doing and they'll do it forever, which will only leave you unsatisfied.
- Keep a tall glass of hot water on by the bedside and keep the dildo dipped in it until you're ready to go.
- Love and sex are two completely different things.
- Porn is not a good place to learn how to pleasure a clit but if they want you to run their clit like you’re scrubbing a frying pan, do it.
the glorification of your 20s and fear of anything else has got to stop. mainly bc your 20s is quite literally the worst decade of your life the idea that ppl think you peak at 25 has me so sad for them
also when ppl act like 20s is peak sexiness. im 26 so if you presented a 22 year old as the pinnacle of desirability i would morph into a chimpanzee and rip you limb from limb. WHAT am i supposed to do with someone who hasn't even gone thru the age 23 ego death
I, a hearing person who likes subtitles just as a preference, shouldn't have to read a subtitle that's obvious nonsense, go back a couple seconds, and listen again in order to figure out what's going on. An accessibility feature should not be the most half-assed part of a professionally made production. Scripted media has absolutely no excuse for not having subtitles or having subtitles that aren't perfectly verbatim. Professional captioning services should be ashamed of the shoddy work that they put out. Captions should be treated as a part of the production, just like filming, editing, audio balancing, etc - and anything that releases with missing or bad captions should be seen as unfinished
Somebody made a Steam game where you can really play the fake games from those mobile game ads
it was the katamari devs btw
You know what really hit me hard in the Barbie movie?
That scene at the beginning where Barbie goes around her normal day, at the president's office, at the court, at the nobel prize ceremony...
All the Barbies, when being complimented on their achievements, being told they're doing an awesome job, when they, themselves, talk about their work and what they've achieved...
None of them doubt it. None of them are awkwardly trying to go 'oh it was very hard, I had help, it wasn't that important..."
No. Instead, they own it. They are confident. They know their value, they are not afraid to say 'I am good at what I do. I wrote an excellent book. I am great at being President of Barbieland. I am strong. I am a doctor and very good at my job. I am a lawyer and me showing feelings and empathy does not diminish my work in any way."
That scene actually hit me even harder than Gloria's speech. Because how often have I been hesitant to say I have done a good job, how often have I done my best to tone down my achievements because I didn't want to be seen as bragging, because I myself wasn't even sure it was that good, because I never think it's good enough?
Too often.
I'm going to try and work on that. Because I am badass, and I write good stories, and I deserve to be proud of them.
Because I AM good enough.
